I rationalize and don’t put value on my emotions. I thought I was in touch with my feels. but as it has been pointed out, I actually run from them, and try to place certain things in a box.
A year ago I put out into the universe that I wanted to fall in love with a gent. The universe heard me, and a few days later he messaged me. messaged, then texted. We finally called each other, and spoke on the phone for seven hours straight. It’s as though floodgates were opened, and within weeks we were falling in love and talked about the future together, and we put one another through the wringer sometimes, and as intense the love was so was the fighting. Somewhere along the way resentments began to make their way into this relationship. Eventually, one or more insecurities lead to our demise. We haven’t spoken since this all ended. Things left unsaid, habits yet unlearned, and a wonder unfulfilled. I saw him Friday.
After months of convenient distance, and schedules, everything leading up to that point I felt I dealt with, with an analyst, with prayer, and meditation. The air was sucked out of the room when I saw him enter, then leave after seeing me. Later we stood five feet from each other, he, his hulking presence. This man that I loved. This man that said I was the love of his life and his most favourite thing in the universe. This man, that I wanted to be the first and only man I give my heart completely to. Stood behind me, in flesh, and bone, and aura. This man for whom I saved rancor, and hated, and cried for. Not a word. His voice, and taste, and scent, and touch faded from memory.
I don’t know what I felt crossing his path and gaze. I don’t know if it was sadness, or pity, melancholia, anger, love. I was shaken. Later, when I was relaying this encounter to my two best friends, I mentioned how silly it was for me to have felt those things. That I should not let my emotions get to me, that I should be able to control those things. Almost verbatim they told me that to think like this, to think that my emotions were invalid was ludicrous. Because this person and I took this relationship and rendered it down to a thick concentrated consistency, what should have taken and felt like years was boiled down into months. The fallout of this, the digestion of this would be considerable. It is neither sweet, nor bitter, but it’s there. I’m eating my share.
This is me, acknowledging my feelings. I was shaken. I was taken aback. I continue to be just mystified by him, now for different reasons. He’s real, he lives, he is still tied to me cosmically. Severing these ties, eating this rendido is laborious.
My L’Esprit de L’Escalier mix for him
Stay With Me-Sam Smith
Kiss Me-Ed Sheeran
Am I Wrong-Nico and Vinz
All of Me-John Legend
Si Tu N’Étais Pas Là-Fréhel
Red Flag Diver-Aimee Mann
Let Her Go-Passenger
Cup of Coffee-Garbage
Silver Springs-Stevie Nicks